Monday, October 27, 2008

Gotta Let it Burn...

Warning: I am wearing my heart on my sleeve this week, be prepared.

I am having an emotionally rough week. No one blogs about the bad stuff, only the good stuff. I am hoping I can teach some type of lesson here today.

Wednesday night, my children are leaving with their father to spend Halloween in DisneyWorld.

The 2 hard hits:

This will be the first Halloween in a decade that I will not help Amber with her costume, and watch her in excitement run from house to house, collecting the candy that she will never eat, but the thrill of it all is priceless.

My baby boy is going to Disney for the very first time-without his Mommy. OUCH.

I battle with the failure of a broken family every single day of my life. Quite frankly, I'm ashamed of it. I am ashamed that my son never saw his father and I together as a couple. He knows nothing more than Mommy's house, and Daddy's house. My kids are awesome, and they deserve so much better. My children hop from house to house...wishing they didn't forget this there, or that here, and as I said, they deserve so much better. I KNOW there are scenario's like mine where the separation is non-negotiable, and in every one's best interest, but it's times like these where I have to just let it burn.

The lesson?

Make sure you are in a secure, permanent union with your partner before you bring children in to the world.

If you ever feel like you want to give up on your relationship-DON'T. Exhaust all options. Know that you did 100% what you could have done to hold your family together. Don't make any selfish decisions that could cause you and other pain for years to come.

I have faith that our lives are all planned out for us and that all of this has happened for a reason. I am even at peace as to why it happened to me, but I am trying to find peace in why it has happened to my beautiful children. Why they have to pay the price. I know some people are thinking..."They're fine! Kids are resilient!". I would love to be able to shrug it off like that, but they're not just any kids, they are my kids.

3 comments:

Karen said...

I have no idea what your relationship was like but I do know that if you and your X had a lot of knock down drag outs.....putting kids in that situation is no good either! If that was your situation then consider that side of it. They will grow up to be better people not seeing their mom and dad at each other all the time. However, I can also see why you are sad that they don't have both parents in the home. Sometimes things are a catch 22! I will be praying that you can get through this time in your life! May God bless and keep you in his arms!

Marie Marsicano said...

Colleen,

Having grown up in the home we grew up in, I certainly understand your dissapointment. Mommy & Daddy were AWESOME and we had a great family life so of course you would want that for your kids.

My heart is breaking this week as well - for you and for my own missed opportunity to see Alex in Disney for his first time like we were able to see Amber.

Please know that you fought hard for your family and for you kids to have the life you had - sometimes it is just not in the cards. And I am very sorry because I was there to watch you struggle with this first hand.

Keep this in mind - your kids have 2 awesome families (both sides) who have nothing but love for them and want the best for them. You are doing a wonderful job with them - I promise - and you will all be fine as long as you keep your faith.

Love you - Re-Re

Anonymous said...

Colly,

This brought tears to my eyes today because I can feel the pain through your words.

I just want you to know that you are right and things happen for a reason. We don’t always know why at the time. Look at Joe - - He was only 5 years old when he lost his Dad. I am sure Mom wondered why that had to happen to him as well. Maybe it was to make him a great Dad because he never had that.

You have two beautiful amazing kids. Amber is getting older and so mature.

You have done so much for your kids and you may not think that they notice but they do. I went to shut the computer down one night and there was an assignment that Christina did for school. It was a letter to me that said how much I have taught her and how much she appreciated all I have done. I don’t know if she would have shown me the letter if I didn’t come across it and she has never sat down and said all of that to me but - - they do realize.

So – What I have to say to you is this. Your children see a Mom who works hard and through it all always looks out for them and gives them so much love. You have a daughter who can cook for herself and will grow up to be an independent self sufficient woman. Maybe all of the experiences that you have had to go through and all the pain that you have felt are to spare your kids from that type of pain when they are older.