Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Merry Christmas-kinda fail on the Christmas card. I can't even say we tried and it didn't work out. I do have a few shots of us from Christmas Eve, but because my husband and Taylor need a hair cut, I have been forbidden to post them. Here's a few random shots from over the holiday season. We hope you had a wonderful holiday!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Why So Hard?

Our family is going through a process that takes a lot of patience, and is filled with uncertainty. It's hard. It's stressful. We did have a great holiday, but of course it's always lingering in the back of our minds. Obviously, I'm not ready to go public. (nothing to do with pregnancy).

My husband passed a comment that I was rather surprised to hear out of all people, his mouth.

"Why does everything have to be so hard?"

Really? Everything? Lets see....

We met in Dec. 2007. We easily fell in love. He loves my kids. They love him. I love his son. He loves me. The kids love each other. One year later, we got engaged. 4 months later we were surrounded by all of the people we love, on a beautiful day at an outside ceremony, and by the grace of God pulled off a beautiful $15,000 wedding that we paid for ourselves without having to go in to major debt. We've never been in that financial position again. God had His hands on our wedding, and He blessed us. 2 months. Yes. 2 months after marriage we became pregnant with Miss BellaMay. Healthy pregnancy, healthy baby. Some couples wait months...even years to have children. By our 11th month of marriage, we had a beautiful baby girl.

If that doesn't define "easy", I don't know what does. We have been so blessed and our lives coming together has been a precious, smooth blessing.

So yeah, we had the miscarriage disaster. We're going through some stressful things right now. But we got where we are pretty easily, and life isn't always going to be easy. I said the same things to him, and he was ashamed that those words even left his lips. The best way to stay is positive, and thankful. The rest will fall in to place just when it is supposed to.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


We all people watch. But do you ever really pay attention to what's going on around you? I went to the store the other day by myself (extremely rare), and in my 10 minutes on line, I saw some pretty interesting things.

I saw what appeared to be a boyfriend hanging over a very irritated girlfriends cashier area where he was mumbling something in her ear, and she just kept repeating...."I don't care, I don't care, I don't care." Customers or no customers, this is what was going on. He wasn't giving up, and she wasn't giving in. I don't know what he did, but he was in trouble for sure. I felt bad for her that he showed up at her job. I felt bad for him that she was so unforgiving.

I saw a middle aged couple paying for their items, and I saw the husband say something to the wife as he stood there, and waited to pay. Then I saw the wife walk over to the bagging area and start to put the bags in the cart. As the husband continued to just stand there, waiting to pay. This made me angry. How rude. Who tells their wife to go load up the cart while you just stand there. Does he feel he's entitled because he's the one that works? Does he always treat her this way? Does this make her feel bad, or is this how their marriage works?

The cashier that was on my register talked and talked and talked to the lady in front of me. They were both older than me. Maybe 5-10 years. She was talking about some type of invention thing that she was thinking of. The woman thought it was a good idea. She really went in to detail, and they spoke until she walked off. Then I came up....and nothing but a Hello. No conversation. No talk of her invention (which I can't for the life of me remember at the moment.) Not one word except Hello, and Have a nice day. Wow. Is it me? Do I look mean? Uneasy to talk to? Snobby? I was almost insulted that she didn't talk to me. Freaky, I know.

I'm better off going to the store with my kids so I can't even think straight, never mind over analyze everything around me.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Identity Theft

I feel...lost. My identity was defined by pregnancy for so long, that now that I am no longer pregnant, and went through all that I did, I feel like I no longer know who I am. I know I am a mother, and I know I am a wife, but I am struggling getting back to "life before pregnancy". 16 months of can actually forget who you were prior to it all. Don't get me wrong, my life is amazing. Marriage is more amazing than I had ever imagined. Being a mother has always been the highlight of my life. What I'm talking about is me. Who am I? Who was I prior to getting pregnant with Bella? I was a brand new wife. I was going back to teaching for the first time in several years after deciding to leave "Corporate America". I went from being a mother of 2, to a mother of 3. I had big things going on. I forget what it is like not to be constantly exhausted. I forgot what it is like to not have to watch over my body. I forgot what it is like to be able to enjoy a glass of wine with friends. I'm not sure who I am now. I'm bigger than I used to be. Not too excited about that. I've put pregnancy on the shelf for now, yet it's like an owl that no matter where I am in the room, it's stares me down constantly. It's always there...lurking....I have a baby now, which I haven't had one of those in 5 years! She's the most beautiful little love and I couldn't imagine our family without her. Is our family complete? Will I ever lose this weight? Am I being the wife and mother that God has called me to be? I was a decent writer pre-Bella. What happened to that? I have all of these un-answered questions in my head. All I can do is pray about them, and hope I head in the right direction. But right now, I just feel...lost.