Sunday, December 12, 2010

Identity Theft

I feel...lost. My identity was defined by pregnancy for so long, that now that I am no longer pregnant, and went through all that I did, I feel like I no longer know who I am. I know I am a mother, and I know I am a wife, but I am struggling getting back to "life before pregnancy". 16 months of can actually forget who you were prior to it all. Don't get me wrong, my life is amazing. Marriage is more amazing than I had ever imagined. Being a mother has always been the highlight of my life. What I'm talking about is me. Who am I? Who was I prior to getting pregnant with Bella? I was a brand new wife. I was going back to teaching for the first time in several years after deciding to leave "Corporate America". I went from being a mother of 2, to a mother of 3. I had big things going on. I forget what it is like not to be constantly exhausted. I forgot what it is like to not have to watch over my body. I forgot what it is like to be able to enjoy a glass of wine with friends. I'm not sure who I am now. I'm bigger than I used to be. Not too excited about that. I've put pregnancy on the shelf for now, yet it's like an owl that no matter where I am in the room, it's stares me down constantly. It's always there...lurking....I have a baby now, which I haven't had one of those in 5 years! She's the most beautiful little love and I couldn't imagine our family without her. Is our family complete? Will I ever lose this weight? Am I being the wife and mother that God has called me to be? I was a decent writer pre-Bella. What happened to that? I have all of these un-answered questions in my head. All I can do is pray about them, and hope I head in the right direction. But right now, I just feel...lost.

1 comment:

Marie Marsicano said...

My beautiful sister...for days now I have been trying to think of the best way to comment to on the blog, privately, via e-mail??? But I have decided that if people know us...they know how I feel about you and the public forum is just fine.

It is just fine to feel this way right now...especially since you can say it out loud. This is all part of the grieving process that you must go through in order to move forward. What you experienced was horiffic especially considering the time frame involved and that you were technically a mom to a new born while going through it.

I am sure many of us can tell you who you were before...but does it matter? The path of life redefines all of us along the way. The key is to never lose yourself completely. You are a great mother, awesome wife and fantastic teacher - that is all a part of who you are. Don't let go of things you personally enjoyed dance class, an occassional night with friends etc - but jump back in at your own pace...right now you are probably clinging to Robert and the kids as a safety precaution, and that is fine. Time will ease your pain and you will be able to see clearly again.

I love you.