Sunday, December 12, 2010
I feel...lost. My identity was defined by pregnancy for so long, that now that I am no longer pregnant, and went through all that I did, I feel like I no longer know who I am. I know I am a mother, and I know I am a wife, but I am struggling getting back to "life before pregnancy". 16 months of pregnancy-recovery-pregnancy.....you can actually forget who you were prior to it all. Don't get me wrong, my life is amazing. Marriage is more amazing than I had ever imagined. Being a mother has always been the highlight of my life. What I'm talking about is me. Who am I? Who was I prior to getting pregnant with Bella? I was a brand new wife. I was going back to teaching for the first time in several years after deciding to leave "Corporate America". I went from being a mother of 2, to a mother of 3. I had big things going on. I forget what it is like not to be constantly exhausted. I forgot what it is like to not have to watch over my body. I forgot what it is like to be able to enjoy a glass of wine with friends. I'm not sure who I am now. I'm bigger than I used to be. Not too excited about that. I've put pregnancy on the shelf for now, yet it's like an owl that no matter where I am in the room, it's stares me down constantly. It's always there...lurking....I have a baby now, which I haven't had one of those in 5 years! She's the most beautiful little love and I couldn't imagine our family without her. Is our family complete? Will I ever lose this weight? Am I being the wife and mother that God has called me to be? I was a decent writer pre-Bella. What happened to that? I have all of these un-answered questions in my head. All I can do is pray about them, and hope I head in the right direction. But right now, I just feel...lost.